As some of you will already know, my wife & I are expecting twins later this year. I know nothing of parenting; or of babies. I have three nieces and two nephews, but I’ve never changed a nappy. To say that I’m in for a shock would be an understatement (and I can see the parents out there laughing at me), but at least I recognize the fact
To help avoid some of the more avoidable mistakes I thought I’d ask the question of the parents in my Twitter stream: what’s the one parenting lesson you’ve learned, but wish you could have done so without making the mistake first?
Here are the responses I received, published here for my own reference; for our discussion; and for everyone’s benefit.
Renai Lemay: “I’m not a parent, but my tip is, remember they already have a personality and purpose when they are born” – which I take to mean that they’re already their own person, and not some (sometimes inconvenient) extension of you. So you should try and treat them as such.
Donna Spencer: “saying ’stop fucking around’. Just once. Repeated in the supermarket queue” – I’ve observed this in my eldest nephew, although not exactly this. His ability to remember and repeat things he’s heard is quite remarkable, and sometime embarassing! Peter Boersma seconded this thought: “Don’t assume they’ll forget because they’re so young. Kids remember the things you want them to forget (and vice versa).”
Ricky Onsmann: “Bluffing.” – I believe Ricky is talking about following through with discipline, and only giving warnings that you will follow through on. The kids get the message otherwise that you don’t really mean what you say, and (a separate piece of advice) that can be a hard belief to change. Martin Polley put this as: “Kids need boundaries. Within the boundaries, let em do what they want. But the boundaries must stay rock solid.”
Todd Zaki Warfel: “If you’re breast feeding, don’t supplement with formula. Screws up their digestive system and the kid will get nipple confusion. It took 3 days to get 5-6 supplemental feedings out of our kid’s system. Either breast feed or use formula, but don’t mix.” – this is interesting in that I’ve heard other parents say that they’ve found formula to be a lifesaver at times, but this could mean simply that, under the circumstances, it was the better option.
Janna DeVylder: “You are the best ‘toy’ your child could have. Put the work down and play. All the other ‘important’ stuff really can wait.” – I know Janna practices this advice daily, switching off completely for a few hours to play with her two sons – Gus & Eli.
Dave Malouf: “Breathe & have fun! This is the best adventure. Don’t sweat the logistics & don’t worry about what other parents do.” – A lot of people have said that being a parent is a wonderful experience, often while lamenting the latest “pooptastrophe”. I can’t argue, and I hope they’re right!
Leisa Reichelt: “One thing I’d do differently is to not get the first immunisation shot so young, it’s not necessary and we were v traumatised.” – have others had the same experience? We intend to immunise our kids, but thought the timing was fairly set. (In response to my follow-up question) “8 weeks. *way* too early to break that bond of trust by holding them whilst they get jabbed. (for me if not for him!)”
Lori Cavallucci: “Make sure to strap baby in carrier before lifting it up. (I’m very serious about this).” – seems like a good idea. (I hope no-one got hurt in learning this lesson.)
Angela Zaki Warfel: “First 2 weeks are tough.. have food prepared for you… also you’ll need to be a slave to your wife and babies.” – I’d like to write this off as female overstatement, but I’m fairly certain Angela is being earnest
I can do ’slave’. (Not really, but I’ll try)
Donna also seconded this advice: “That’s hugely important advice. Lots of easy to reheat stuff in freezer. no time to cook.”
Dan Brown: “Be self-reflective. Your children tune into who you are not what you do. Help them be better people by being a better person yourself” – this got a +1 from Leisa as well, and I’m a big fan of self-reflection.
Martin Polley: “TV is bad. If I had it to do over, I’d've gotten rid of the damn TV on day 1.” – I’m unlikely to take this advice, but it’s good to be aware of it. Dave Malouf backed this up: “100% agree w/ the TV thing. It is amazing how kids are sucked right into it. Scary!”
Iain Lowe: “Take every moment you can with them when they’re little, because it doesn’t last long” – self-explanatory, really. I hope this is something I just naturally want to do, but otherwise I’ll have to work at doing it – for my sake as well as theirs.
Russ Unger: “Don’t force a way on your kids; always give them choices so they can get in the habit of seeing options, not single paths.” – this advice feels like it would really help kids develop problem-solving skills as well as self-reliance and independence. Looks like a tight balance between options and boundaries, though.
Lori Cavallucci: “Sleep when the babies sleep.” – I’m going to have so much trouble with this, I just know it. I’m already planning how long there will be between feeds/sleep cycles and whether I can get solid pieces of work done.
Martin Polley: “Related — kids need your attention. If all they can get is bad attention, they’ll do what they have to to get that.” – This is (one of the reasons) why Janna switches off her phone & laptop during daily playtime with Gus & Eli: no distractions; she can just focus on, and enjoy the time she gets to spend with them. And they get her full attention: they don’t have to fight for attention.
A big thanks to these folks for responding and sharing their wisdom. I know I’m going to need it in the coming months (and years!). If you’ve got a parenting tip: that one parenting lesson you wish you hadn’t had to learn the hard way – please, add it to the comments below.
Update
Since initially asking the question I’ve received a few more responses through Twitter.
Andrew Mitchell: “re: immunisation – get it done, and do it on time – it’s not worth the risk (eg whooping cough kills 1 in 200)” – which offers a counter perspective to Leisa’s earlier advice.
Gregg Tomlinson: “Every kid has a meltdown tantrum in public, don’t be embarrassed by it. Every parent has been there.” – that’s gonna be hard to remember at the time, but it’ll hopefully be a comfort at some point. Also from Gregg: “Kids LOVE to feel responsible. Even if you have to eat with 3 spoons, let them set the table & praise them up & down for doing it.”